People often have mixed reactions when they consider having older children at the birth of a new sibling. There is concern that the child will need help during labor and mom and dad will not be in a position to take care of them, that the older child will distract mom, and that it may be scary or traumatic for the older child to watch the birth process. I feel it is important for older siblings to be at the birth of a new addition to the family. This is my experience.
I was 9 years old when my mom gave birth to my younger sister.
Every person and every child is different but I was very maternal at such a young age. To me my mom wasn’t having a baby, WE were having a baby. It was our baby; mine just as much as hers. I remember asking to have the baby sleep in my room because I wanted to be the one to take care of it.
I clearly remember the day my mom’s water broke. It was early on a Friday morning and we were all so excited we would be having our baby that day. Then we were told to get ready for school. School? What do you mean school, we are having a baby? That was my reaction. I guess we never discussed it as a family, I just presumed since WE were having a baby that we would be involved in the actual having the baby part. I was sadly disappointed to have to go to school and then anxiously await news when she was finally born later that evening.
I first starting my journey learning about birth in chiropractic college. The woman who taught me what I know about birth had 6 kids, the first 4 born unassisted at home and the last 2 born with midwives also at home. Her older children were present at the births and her 15 year was the one video taping her last birth. This resonated so much with me because of my experience with my sister’s birth.
When my sister went into labor with her second child her 2 year old was the only one with her. She didn’t feel any contractions and thought she had food poisoning. She laid down on the kitchen floor not feeling well and couldn’t do much to take care of herself or her son. He came to her and brought her a book to read and gave her kisses saying, “Now mama all better.” When friends arrived they all went to the hospital and my nephew was held in friends arms as his sister was born. He was calm, quiet, and observing of the whole process. He wasn’t scared and didn’t interfere.
Nine months later I gave birth for the first time. This birth was attended by my husband and sister and her 2 children who were now 3 years old and 9 months old. My midwife was also there for the last 4 minutes. My nephew helped me make cookies and do a belly cast and gave me kisses throughout labor. While his nine month old sister entertained herself in the mirror, my nephew sat right beside be on the bed as I birthed his cousin on my hands and knees. Afterwards the impression that was left on him of the whole event was “Tia Nancy loves the baby sooo much”. He did not interfere, was calm, and supportive the whole time. He wasn’t disturbed by the sounds or sights of labor or birth. We were all calm and so he knew this was all normal and just part of having a baby.
Two years later my sister had her third child. This birth was attended by my sister’s family including her 2 children (now 5 and 2 yrs 9mo), my younger sister, and my husband, 2 year old daughter, and me. My niece was trying to take care of her mommy and would come to my sister with the stethoscope and try to listen to the baby. My nephew sat on a chair at the bottom of the bed with his feet up asking us to get out of his view, like he was trying to watch a movie. My daughter was in my husbands arms observing quietly. Not all births are quiet and calm. My sister is a fast but vocal birther. Profanity and screaming are part of her coping mechanisms. The kids were all calm, quiet, and again accepted this as part of the normal process of birth. For them it was a special moment of bringing a new member into the family and when all was said and done they just resumed playing in the living room.
Six months later I had my second child. My daughter was 2 and a half and was present for her brother’s birth. For this birth I needed complete silence around me. No one was allowed to so much as whisper in the next room. It is hard to keep a 2 year old quiet as my mom and friends were trying to do but I didn’t want her to be quiet. The sound of her playing and laughing was the best part of that birth experience. When I would here her laughter, all I would think is, “that is why I am doing this”. It was really wonderful to have her there and for her birth is just normal.
With all that said these were all natural births, no medical interference, no stress.
Not necessarily quiet and calm but nothing scary, just normal, natural birth. If you are choosing a medicalized birth that involves anaesthesia which could lead to other interventions, it may be less advisable for children to be present. When interventions are used, birth can become more of a scary crisis-like scenario and not something that you will likely want your child to witness.
For a well prepared child birth is not scary.
Just like other mammals instinctually know how to react around other birthing mammals, so do our children. We prepared our daughter for birth by having her watch her own birth video and pre-screened videos of birth on youtube, like the ones you can find here. She knew what kinds of sounds to expect and where exactly the baby would be coming from. No surprises. This made birth a very normal event for her and will hopefully make it just part of life for when it is her turn.
It is important to invite someone else to the birth to be there specifically for your child.
This could be a friend or family member, or you could even hire a doula specifically for this purpose. It is important the child has the opportunity to go into another room or go for a walk if the experience is too much for them or if they are bored. I wouldn’t suggest forcing them to be present but giving them the open opportunity to be there. Having a person dedicated to the older children also ensures that they won’t disturb mom in her work and if birth does become complicated and needs medical intervention that will be too much for the child to witness they can be taken else where.
Every situation is different and each person needs to assess their comfort level and that of their kids when considering having siblings included at birth. I feel it is important for older siblings to be at birth as part of the bond created as a family. This is their baby too. Instead of being excluded and then having an intruder in their home taking their mommy’s time and attention, being part of the process allows the older child to feel included in the transition to new family and helps with their acceptance of their new baby brother or sister. The memory of being at her brothers birth will stay with my daughter for her lifetime.